Impossible Things
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: When a particularly wonderful thing happens to Jervis Tetch's Alice, he resolves to give up crime and his persona as the Mad Hatter. But is it possible for the Mad Hatter to regain his sanity? And would anyone believe him if he did?
1. Chapter 1

**Impossible Things**

"Harley, J, you're back," said Poison Ivy, looking up in surprise from her magazine as the Joker and Harley Quinn entered the Rec Room at Arkham Asylum. "I thought you were meant to be on vacation."

"We were," replied Joker. "We were taking the great American road trip, and it was absolutely incredible. Not only because we got to see so much of this beautiful country, but also because we never stayed long enough in one location for Batsy to be able to find us, or so I thought. But the guy really is the World's Greatest Detective sometimes, or at least the World's Greatest Stalker. I just dunno how he found us. We aways left the crime scenes in plenty of time. I don't understand," he sighed, sitting down on the sofa and holding his head in his hands.

"Aw, c'mon, puddin', it ain't so bad," cooed Harley, cuddling him. "We got most of the trip done anyhow. And we left our mark on most of the really important landmarks. I dunno how they're ever gonna scrub the smiles off the presidents at Mount Rushmore. Whenever people see that now, they're gonna think of you, puddin'."

"I guess," sighed Joker. "I just had so much more mayhem planned, Harl. But now we're stuck back in this dump, and I have to deal with the unsolved mystery of how Batsy was able to find us. I was so careful."

Harley kissed him tenderly and then turned to Ivy, beaming. "Did ya like the postcard I sent from the Everglades, Red? You shoulda seen all the plants there, it was just…"

"Postcard?" repeated Joker, raising his head. "You sent Pammie a postcard?"

"I sent everyone a postcard, Mr. J," said Harley, nodding. "Just wanted our friends locked up in here to know we were thinking about them. Red got one from the Everglades in Florida, Harvey got one from Twin Lakes in Minnesota, Johnny Crane got one from Tombstone, Arizona…"

"You sent postcards to Arkham revealing our location?" interrupted Joker. "And you didn't think that might allow the staff here to track us, and to tell a certain Bat person where we were at any given time?"

"Well, yeah, but they were addressed to the inmates, Mr. J, so it was kinda illegal for the staff to read them and all…"

"You stupid, idiotic, useless waste of space!" shouted Joker, suddenly furious. "No wonder Bats was able to find us! We're back here because of you, you dumb blonde!"

"Look, if us getting caught and locked up again is the price we have to pay to show our friends we care, then I'm happy to pay it!" snapped Harley.

"And I'm happy to make you pay by beating your face into the ground!" shouted Joker, rushing at her. The guards were on him before he reached Harley, and managed to drag him off, still yelling and cursing at her.

"I dunno why he's in such a bad mood," said Harley, shrugging. "I guess everyone's always a little upset at the end of a vacation."

She looked around the room at her fellow inmates and smiled when she saw Jervis Tetch playing a game of chess with Jonathan Crane. "Hi, Jervis!" she said, coming over to him and beaming. "I got you a postcard, but the Bat caught us before I could send it to you, so I thought I'd give it to you myself," she said, handing him a picture of the Mad Tea Party ride at Disneyland. "I didn't get a chance to write anything on the back – the Bat wouldn't give me a pen when I asked him for one. I think he thought I was gonna stab him with it or something. He's a pretty mistrustful guy. But you can just write your own message from me."

"Oh…thank you, Harley, that's very thoughtful," said Tetch sincerely.

"See, it's even got Alice in one of them," said Harley, pointing to a girl in a costume waving from one of the teacups.

"You know, she looks nothing like my Alice," murmured Tetch thoughtfully. "But then I suppose not everyone can be Alice. I suppose there is only one real Alice, and she can never be replaced. At least not in my heart."

"Aw, you're such a sweet romantic, Jervis!" sighed Harley. "Just like Mr. J. There's only one dame for him too, and that's his Harley girl. And I'm sure once he calms down and stops wanting to kill me, he'll show me just how much he cares."

She skipped off happily. Tetch stared after her, shaking his head. "Have you moved yet, Jonathan?" he asked Crane.

"Patience is a virtue, and essential to victory in chess," retorted Crane, staring intently at the pieces, as he had been for a good ten minutes now. Tetch sighed, and returned his attention to the postcard. But he had replaced the girl in the costume with his Alice, the real Alice, the one and only Alice.

Tetch had lost his mind when his secretary, Alice Pleasance, with whom he was madly in love, had become engaged to her fiance, now husband, Billy Dodgson. Acting out of heartbreak and madness, Tetch had kidnapped both her and Billy, using his mind control to manipulate them, until Batman put a stop to it. He had never stopped loving Alice, but he realized now how selfish his love had been then, to keep her from the man she loved. A few years had passed since then, and Tetch had come to accept her relationship with Billy, and even give it his blessing. And they had both forgiven him and visited him frequently in Arkham. Except they hadn't lately.

This had worried Tetch, and for a few weeks he had been seized with a panic that they wouldn't return, that he would be abandoned and alone again. But he had received a letter from Alice soon after apologizing for their absence, and saying that "a particularly wonderful thing has kept us from visiting, but the next time we see you, we'll have a surprise for you."

Tetch had wondered what this particularly wonderful thing was, but honestly had no clue. And so he tried to wait patiently for Alice's return, but he was by nature an impatient man. And Crane's turn had taken long enough.

"Just move your knight," Tetch said, nodding. "It will ensure my victory in three moves instead of six."

"And why would I wish to ensure your victory?" retorted Crane.

"Because it is inevitable," said Tetch. "I analyzed all potential moves in a matter of seconds, and it is quite impossible for you to win this game."

"What are you always saying, Jervis?" asked Crane. "Believe in six impossible things before breakfast?"

"It is after breakfast," retorted Tetch. "And it is quite nonsensical to believe in six impossible things before lunch."

Crane sighed. "Fine," he snapped, moving the knight.

"Ahoy, ahoy, check," said Tetch, smugly, moving his own knight to check Crane's king.

"Jervis? You have visitors," said Dr. Leland, entering the room at that moment.

Tetch beamed. "I presume it is Alice. But she's terribly late, you know. I must not be too hard on her, however. She has kept her word and returned, after all. And one can forgive tardiness with a valid reason."

"Yes, it is…a valid reason," said Dr. Leland, nodding. "If you'll accompany me to the visiting room."

"Don't touch the board, Jonathan, I'll know," said Tetch. "And I wish to savor my victory. It is shaping up to be quite a wonderful day," he sighed, leaving the room with Dr. Leland.

"I'm not playing chess with him any more," muttered Crane, picking up his book and scowling.

"I hate to have to even mention this, Jervis, but there are guards standing by in case of…erratic behavior from you," said Dr. Leland, slowly. "I trust you, of course, but I'm just not sure how you'll react to…this."

"To what?" asked Tetch, puzzled.

"You'll see," she said, holding open the door to the visiting room.

Tetch saw Alice's smiling face and beamed at her, nodding civilly at Billy. He suddenly looked down into Alice's arms and saw that she was holding a tiny bundle. A tiny bundle with a face.

"Good…Lord," he stammered, as the baby stirred and opened its wide, blue eyes to gaze at Tetch.

"Jervis, this is our daughter, Catherine," said Alice, smiling lovingly at the baby. "Catherine Alice Dodgson. I wanted you to be one of the first to meet her."

"Oh," stammered Tetch. "Oh…Alice."

He was lost for words, staring at the baby with adoration in his eyes. Eyes that filled with tears as he looked at the peaceful, innocent face smiling up at him. "Oh, she's beautiful," he whispered. He turned to Dr. Leland. "May I…"

"The guards are standing by," repeated Dr. Leland, opening the door that separated the visiting room from the rest of the asylum.

Tetch came closer to the baby, who began to gurgle happily, holding out her arms to him. "Would you like to hold her, Jervis?" asked Alice.

"Oh, I…I would be afraid of breaking her," he gasped. "She's so tiny…I would be afraid of her turning into a pig, although she's far too beautiful for that…"

Alice smiled, and handed him the baby. Tetch held her tenderly, as the tears streamed down his cheeks. "Hello, little Alice," he whispered, kissing her forehead gently.

"Billy and I were hoping you'd like to be her godfather," said Alice, taking Billy's hand.

"I…am not worthy of such an honor," gasped Tetch. "I'm not worthy to even be holding…such perfection…"

The baby giggled, and then put her thumb in her mouth, and began sucking it contentedly. "She's…absolutely miraculous," he whispered.

"We think so too," said Alice, smiling at Billy. "Will you consider being her godfather? It would mean so much to both of us."

"I don't have to consider…I would be honored," stammered Tetch. "It's the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to me," he whispered, gazing from the baby to her. "Thank you."

Alice smiled at him. "We'll visit again soon," she said as he handed the baby back to her. "And we'll bring Catherine. But maybe someday she can…see you without being surrounded by bars?"

Tetch nodded slowly in resolution. "Yes," he said, firmly. "Yes. This changes everything, Alice. I…I never had a reason to be cured before. This asylum was as good a place to be as any. But now there is a reason to be out of it. I…will no longer be the Mad Hatter. I will no longer be anything but godfather to this child, and friend to you both."

Alice beamed. "That's wonderful to hear, Jervis," she whispered. "I know you can do it."

She hugged him tightly. "Say bye bye, Catherine," she said, taking the baby's tiny hand and waving it. Tetch waved at them until they were out of sight, and then strode back to the Rec Room without another word.

"As you can see, Jervis, I didn't touch any of the pieces…" began Crane, but Tetch wasn't listening, taking his king and laying it down.

"You win, Jonathan," he said. "The game doesn't matter anymore."

"What?" asked Crane, puzzled. "What are you taking about?"

"You will forgive me, Jonathan, but I have to go to my cell," he murmured. "There are things to do."

"Jervis? Is everything all right? Jervis?" called Crane after him, but Tetch ignored him. He entered his cell and reached under the bed, pulling out a top hat and several mind control hat cards. He abruptly smashed these, and stomped on the hat. He pulled down the pictures from _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_ from the wall and ripped them up into tiny pieces, and then he grabbed his tea set and abruptly smashed cups, saucers, plates, and all. He took Harley's postcard, looked at it for a moment, and then put it on the nightstand, with the picture hidden from view. The reverse side was blank, and Tetch found a pen and wrote: _The Mad Hatter is dead. Long live Jervis Tetch, godfather to Catherine Alice Dodgson. _

"That is who I am from now on," he murmured. "That is all I will be. And it is more than I ever hoped for."


	2. Chapter 2

"You wanted to see me, Jervis?" asked Dr. Leland, gesturing him into a chair as she took a seat behind her desk.

"Yes. I wish to ask if you would be willing to sign the papers testifying to my mental competency, and securing my release from Arkham," said Tetch.

Dr. Leland stared at him. "Oh…I see."

She stood up, heading over to the cabinet and pulling out his file, studying it. "While I can't deny you've made great strides in terms of therapy recently, Jervis, in light of your…past history, it would be difficult to believe in your complete rehabilitation."

"I understand that," said Tetch, nodding. "How may I prove my sincerity to you?"

Dr. Leland studied him. "Why don't you tell me why you're suddenly so keen to be released?" she asked, quietly. "It's to do with Alice's baby, isn't it?"

"Yes," said Tetch. "I am godfather to that child, and I do not intend for her to grow up thinking her godfather is out of his mind. I wish to be a good role model for her. I cannot be so when I am locked in an asylum for the criminally insane."

Dr. Leland bit her lip. "Of course I believe you, Jervis," she murmured. "But it isn't entirely my decision, you understand. I have to meet with the other heads and organize a hearing for you, and then we have to come to a unanimous agreement…"

"I will be allowed to speak at my hearing, will I not?" asked Tetch. "And may I bring witnesses? May Alice be there, with Catherine?"

"Yes, I think that can be arranged," said Dr. Leland, nodding.

Tetch smiled. "Then they cannot deny me my freedom when they see that I am curing myself for such a perfect angel. Who could see that child and not want to do anything in the world for it?"

Dr. Leland sighed. "Jervis, I understand you. But I'm not sure the other doctors will necessarily. I mean, if you consider your past, kidnapping this girl and trying to kill her fiance, and now they have a baby…it's likely the board will think you pose a danger to that child. That you would harm her, rather than help her."

"That child's welfare is the only thing I care about anymore," murmured Tetch. "Along with her mother, she is the only person who matters to me in the world. And Jonathan, of course."

"How is Crane taking all this?" asked Dr. Leland, quietly. "It will probably be difficult for him to lose you as a friend in this place."

"He…hasn't spoken to me about his feelings," said Tetch, slowly. "I daresay he does not want to make me feel guilty for doing what I must. He is a…good friend."

Dr. Leland nodded, but said nothing. "Well, I will organize the hearing as soon as possible, Jervis. You should probably prepare what you're going to say in advance. And try to leave out the nonsense, won't you?"

"I will do my best, but I can't make any promises," replied Tetch. "I will always be a little eccentric, Dr. Leland. That is just who I am. But I can assure you, I am no longer a danger to others. Especially not that child."

"I believe you, Jervis," repeated Dr. Leland. "It's not me you have to convince. But I wish you all the luck in the world. I truly do."

Tetch returned to his cell next to Crane's. "What did Dr. Leland say?" Crane asked casually, looking up from his book.

"She is going to organize a hearing for me with the other head doctors," said Tetch. "If I prove my sanity to them, they will sign the release papers."

"And then you'll be gone," said Crane. "Just like that."

"Yes. Hopefully within the next few weeks."

"I see," said Crane. He opened his mouth to say something, but returned his attention to his book instead.

"You don't…mind me curing myself, do you, Jonathan?" asked Tetch, quietly.

"It's nothing to do with me, Jervis," retorted Crane. "I am not so cruel as to try to prevent a man from regaining his sanity simply because I don't want him leaving the asylum. That would be terribly selfish."

"Yes," agreed Tetch. "Yes, I suppose it would."

He sat down on his bed, trying to consider what he was going to say to the board. "But I…can't deny that…I'm going to miss you, Jervis," said Crane softly.

"I'm going to miss you too, Jonathan," said Tetch. "Perhaps…someday…you could also try to cure yourself."

"I thought you said believing in impossible things after breakfast was nonsensical," retorted Crane. "And curing myself is impossible, Jervis. You were a successful, intelligent man before you became the Mad Hatter. I have always been the Scarecrow, since I was a child cowering in fear from schoolyard bullies. My persona has been with me too long to ever let it go. There would be nothing left of me."

Tetch was silent. "But perhaps you could come visit me in here sometimes," continued Crane. "And when I've escaped, I could come visit you. I would love to meet Catherine someday."

"I would be happy to visit you in here, Jonathan," murmured Tetch. "But if you were ever on the run from the law, I would ask that you not visit me, especially not if Catherine is there. I would hate to involve either of us in anything illegal in case I am suspected of returning to my old ways."

"Oh…yes, of course, Jervis, I understand," said Crane, nodding.

"I would always be happy to see you, of course, but for Catherine's sake…"

"Yes, say no more about it," interrupted Crane.

"I…just don't want her to think of me as…a bad man," murmured Tetch. "I'm not a bad man, Jonathan. But a child cannot really understand the idea of redemption. If she ever knew I was a criminal, I'm sure she would be afraid of me. And that would break my heart."

"Yes, I am aware of how…crippling fear can be," murmured Crane. "In the eyes of your enemies, and people you are indifferent to, fear is a wonderful thing. In the eyes of the people you love…it is the most terrible thing on earth."

They were both silent again. "Is there anything I can do for your hearing?" asked Crane. "Would it help if I spoke on your behalf?"

Tetch smiled. "Forgive me, Jonathan, but I do believe that would be the opposite of helpful. A glowing testimonial from a criminal lunatic is not the most ringing endorsement."

"Yes, of course," sighed Crane. "I just wanted to…help my friend."

"My dear Jonathan," murmured Tetch. "You being my friend has helped me more than you will ever know."

Crane smiled at him, and returned to his book. "Perhaps…you could help me by helping me rehearse what I'm going to say at the hearing?" asked Tetch, slowly.

Crane put down his book. "It would be a pleasure, Jervis," he said.


	3. Chapter 3

"Are you nervous?" asked Crane, as Tetch sat in his cell, waiting for the guards to escort him to his hearing.

"I have nothing to be nervous about," replied Tetch, firmly. "I am a sane man. It should not be at all difficult to prove that. A sane man can tell a madman when he sees one. I know that you are a madman, Jonathan, and that means I am a sane man, you see?"

"I'd…refrain from talking in roundabout ways like that at the hearing," said Crane, slowly. "If you confuse them, they're likely to just dismiss you as talking nonsense, which is not what sane people do."

"They do it frequently," retorted Tetch. "In fact, the difference between sane and mad is usually fairly negligible. The only time it seems to matter is if the mad people intend to do harm, which I most certainly do not."

"Well, for the purposes of the hearing, I think it's important to draw some fairly firm distinctions between sane and insane," said Crane. "You should act and speak as normally as possible. And by normal, I mean stern, serious, and boring."

"I can do that," said Tetch. "At least for this hearing."

"Just stick to what we practiced," said Crane. "And I'm sure you'll be fine."

"Mr. Tetch? They're ready for you," said a guard, appearing at the cell.

Tetch took a deep breath and stood up. "Good luck," murmured Crane. "Not that you'll need it."

"Thank you, Jonathan," said Tetch. He looked at the guards. "Is there any chance Professor Crane would be able to sit in on my hearing?" he asked.

"I'm afraid not," replied the guard.

"Well, could you unlock his cell for a moment?" asked Tetch.

The guard shrugged, and obeyed Tetch. He rushed inside and hugged Crane tightly. "Thank you, Jonathan," he repeated.

"You'll be fine," said Crane, quietly, hugging him in return. "Just try not to get too wrapped up in your newfound freedom and forget all of us in here, won't you?"

"Now that would be an impossible thing, Jonathan," murmured Tetch. "And as a sane man, I no longer relate to the White Queen. I cannot believe six impossible things before breakfast, or at any other time of day."

"No Wonderland," reminded Crane.

"That was not Wonderland – that was Looking-Glass World," corrected Tetch. "But I understand your meaning. Thank you, Jonathan."

Crane held up crossed fingers as Tetch was led away, and into a large room with a table at the far end. Seated at the table were Dr. Leland, and three other doctors. Dr. Leland smiled at him, but the other three did not, which didn't fill Tetch with confidence. He saw Billy and Alice seated in chairs by the side of the room, and Alice smiled, holding up Catherine and helping her wave at him. The baby was beaming and chattering at him happily. Tetch's confidence returned, and he took the chair in the center of the room feeling very optimistic.

"Before we allow you to make your statement, Mr. Tetch, we just have a few questions we'd like to ask you," said one of the doctors, standing up.

"Oh…of course, go right ahead," said Tetch, nodding.

"The…incident which confined you in here originally involved Mr. and Mrs. Dodgson, did it not?" asked the doctor, gesturing at Alice and Billy. "You kidnapped them and used mind control on them when Mrs. Dodgson spurned your advances, until Batman interfered and brought you here."

"Yes…that's correct," stammered Tetch.

"And now you're asking to be released, and your reasoning for this is because Mr. and Mrs. Dodgson have had a child, which you are interested in. Is that also correct?"

"Um…I don't know if I'd put it like that," said Tetch, slowly. "I am very interested in the child's welfare. I wish to take care of my goddaughter…"

"You wish to take care of the child?" repeated the doctor, raising an eyebrow. "As you tried to take care of its parents, is that it?"

"No, that is not what I meant at all," retorted Tetch. "I have changed since the incident that you mentioned. I no longer wish to harm Mr. Dodgson, and I never wished to harm Alice. And I would certainly never dream of harming Alice's child."

"You have changed since then," repeated the doctor. "Are you still in love with Mrs. Dodgson?"

"I…yes," stammered Tetch. "Yes, I will always be in love with Alice."

"So what assurance do we have that once you are free, you will not simply repeat your behavior?" asked the doctor. "That you will not try to eliminate Mr. Dodgson, and, as you put it, take care of Mrs. Dodgson and her baby through force, without her consent?"

"I…think perhaps you do not quite understand love," murmured Tetch. "As I did not fully, when that incident occurred. I acted selfishly then, although I didn't understand that at the time. I was under the impression that Mr. Dodgson would mistreat Alice if she married him. I believed I was trying to save her from a terrible fate. I was mistaken. My beliefs were twisted and distorted by my own selfish desire to save Alice for myself. I understand this now. And I understand that my love for her should never have been so small and mean. I love everything about her. And to love someone truly is to think only of their happiness, rather than your own. Alice married Mr. Dodgson. I am happy about this, because she is happy about this. Her happiness is my only concern. Because I love her. And that is what love is."

The doctor looked down at his paper and scribbled a few notes. "I…also love her child," added Tetch. "I love anything that is precious to her…"

"Do you love Mr. Dodgson?" demanded the doctor, looking up. "He is precious to her, and you tried to kill him."

"As I said, I did not fully understand my feelings at the time," said Tetch. "I have spent many hours alone in my cell considering them since then. And the idea that I almost hurt someone so dear to Alice still pains me. I hope Mr. Dodgson will one day find it in his heart to forgive me, although I also understand if he cannot. I do not love him, but I would never wish him harm, especially not by my hand. It would hurt Alice to lose her husband, and it would hurt Catherine to lose her father. I could never replace that father, even if I tried. Catherine is not my child. But I feel a father's love for her, an overwhelming desire to protect her and care for her. I do not wish to hurt her. I do not wish to hurt anyone."

"Not even Batman?" asked the doctor.

"I have never wished to hurt Batman," murmured Tetch. "Only he…occasionally interferes in situations that are none of his business. He can sometimes be…an overbearing bully, and when he was, I attempted to teach him a lesson. I was instructing him in manners, nothing more."

"Your friend Professor Crane uses being bullied as an excuse to terrorize masses of innocent people," said the doctor. "Do you sympathize with that?"

"I sympathize with the pain Jonathan has suffered in his life," said Tetch, nodding. "I too have suffered great pain in my own life from ignorant people who fear intelligence. But I am not interested in revenge, as Jonathan is. I have made peace with the pain I have suffered, and I wish to move on, and live as happily as I can as a sane, respectable man. Catherine and Alice have allowed me to feel happiness again, and I wish to repay them for their kindness to me by hopefully bringing happiness into their own lives. And the only thing in this world that truly brings happiness is love. And I love them. I love them both."

"It is all very well to talk of love, Mr. Tetch," said the doctor. "But our understandings of the word may not be entirely similar."

"No," agreed Tetch. "That is the funny thing about love. It means different things to different people. But my love for Alice and Catherine is of the purest and best kind."

"It is also not the only consideration…" continued the doctor.

"Forgive me, but I do believe it is," interrupted Tetch. "It is the only thing that matters to me anyway."

"Love is the only thing that matters to you?" repeated the doctor. "That does not sound particularly healthy, Mr. Tetch."

"And what does?" asked Tetch.

The doctor sighed. "Let me explain to you what sanity is, Mr. Tetch," he muttered. "Sanity is not being obsessive, or dramatic, or excessively passionate. It is about being a rational, thinking, normal human being, without violent extremes of emotion. It is living your life calmly and complacently, without eccentricities or manias to get in the way of your productivity."

"That sounds like a drone," replied Tetch.

"That is a sane individual, Mr. Tetch," replied the doctor. "Do you honestly think you fit the criteria for being considered sane?"

"I cannot help that your criteria is mistaken," retorted Tetch.

The doctor glared at him. "Um…can I say something?" asked Alice, raising her hand.

"Certainly, Mrs. Dodgson," said the doctor, nodding.

Alice stood up and came over to stand by Tetch. "I know Jervis does seem a little eccentric," she said. "But that's what makes him so special. He's not just putting on a persona for show, either. He genuinely does feel so deeply about things, and it's such a nice change from…a lot of superficial people you meet out there. He's not harmful anymore, though, I know it, and isn't that the real point? I mean, which of us doesn't have our little quirks?"

"Basing one's life and personality around a children's book can hardly be considered a quirk, can it, Mrs. Dodgson?" asked the doctor.

"But that's not really who he is," protested Alice. "I knew Jervis before he…lost his mind. He was always really fond of that book – he even had a poster in his office. And hearing him talk about it, you could see the love for it shining through his eyes. But there was nothing wrong about that. And he was also just a nice guy. He was sweet and caring and kind and considerate, and he has a brilliant mind. Maybe not all of us can understand it. I know I can't. But I know he's not going to hurt anyone anymore."

"Much as we'd like to take you at your word on faith, Mrs. Dodgson, this hearing is interested in fact," retorted the doctor. "Do you have any established facts to add to this case at all?"

"I…" began Alice. "I…uh…"

"I do," said Billy, standing up to join his wife. "The fact of the matter is, as you say, Mr. Tetch tried to kill me," he murmured. "Or at least tried to get me out of the way. You don't just forgive a guy when he tries something like that, especially not when he's trying to steal your girl. He hurt me as much as a man can hurt another man. But I've come to this hearing today to let you know that I've forgiven him. That's a fact, Doctor. And I wish to see him released. That's also a fact, Doctor. I want my child to get to know him, another fact for you. Maybe I don't want her to know the whole story about what happened between the three of us, because the fact is, that's in the past. Maybe you should let it go."

Alice clasped Billy's hand tightly, smiling at him. Tetch stared up at him in astonishment. Billy clapped him on the shoulder and Tetch felt tears come to his eyes. The doctor stood up. "If we could speak with Mr. and Mrs. Dodgson privately, for a moment," he murmured. "There are things to discuss without the patient being present."

"Would you like him escorted back to his cell?" asked the guard, approaching Tetch.

"No, he can wait outside," said the doctor.

"Oh, Jervis, would you like to hold Catherine while you're waiting?" asked Alice, handing him the baby. "I'd just like to show the doctors how much I trust you with her."

"Oh…thank you, Alice," stammered Tetch. "Thank you," he murmured, nodding at Billy as he was escorted from the room with Catherine in his arms.

"Now don't you worry, my angel," murmured Tetch as he waited outside the door. "You'll be with your mother again soon. I'm sure the doctors only need to speak to her for a few minutes and then…"

The guard was suddenly struck on the head and fell to the ground. Tetch looked up in astonishment to see Harley Quinn slamming a table against the doors to the hearing room, while the Joker held a tube full of gas against the keyhole.

"What on earth are you doing?" gasped Tetch.

"Relax, it's just knockout gas, Tetchy," chuckled Joker. "Just something to make the doctors sleep while Harley and me bust outta here."

"But…but you can't do this today!" stammered Tetch.

"Why not? It's the perfect setup!" chuckled Joker. "All the important doctors and guards in one place, a small room with limited ventilation. I mean, I really should thank you for the opportunity, Tetchy…"

"No, you don't understand," interrupted Tetch. "They're going to blame me for this! They're going to think I planned this to kidnap Catherine!"

"Well, sucks to be you, doesn't it, Hatty?" laughed Joker. "And who's Catherine? I thought you were hung up on this Alice kid…"

Tetch pulled his arm aside to reveal Catherine giggling happily in his arms. "Oh," said Joker.

"A baby!" shrieked Harley, rushing over to coo over Catherine. "Oh, she's so precious, yes she is!" she purred. "Who's a sweet baby? You are, yes, you are! Aw, look at her beautiful smile!" she exclaimed as Catherine burbled excitedly. "Aw, you are the cutest thing in the world! I just wanna eat you up, yes, I do, yes, I do!" she said, eskimo kissing her face. "Oh, Mr. J, he's got a baby! Can we have a baby?" she asked, turning to Joker with pleading eyes. "Right now? Please?"

"No, you dizzy dame, we can't," snapped Joker. "It would slow us down when we're trying to bust outta here."

"But we can't leave now, Mr. J!" exclaimed Harley. "We need to help take care of the baby! Jervis can't do it – he's a guy."

"So?" asked Joker.

"Guys don't have the equipment for taking care of babies," retorted Harley. "How's he gonna feed it?"

"How are you gonna feed it from those?" demanded Joker, gesturing to her chest. "Ain't nothing there for the baby to drink! Ain't nothing there, period!"

Harley glared at him, but quickly went back to cooing over the baby. "Joker, if you do not open this door this instant, I will kill you," hissed Tetch.

"That don't sound very sane to me, Hatty!" chuckled Joker. "Think you're gonna fail your hearing talking like that…"

"I most definitely will if you ruin it for me like this!" shouted Tetch.

They suddenly heard the sound of several thuds, like bodies falling to the ground. "Think I just did!" laughed Joker, opening the door to reveal the unconscious bodies of the doctors, guards, Alice, and Billy. He turned to look at the baby, and his face twisted in disgust. "Ugly little thing, ain't it?" he asked.

"She is the most beautiful thing in the world…" began Tetch, but Catherine suddenly started crying, loudly.

"Loud little thing too, huh?" asked Joker, clapping his hands over his ears.

"I…don't know what she wants," stammered Tetch. "I don't know anything about babies…"

"Well, I do!" cried Harley cheerfully, taking the baby from him. "We need to find something for her to eat! There's gotta be some milk in the cafeteria. C'mon, Mr. J."

"I'm getting outta here, Harl!" shouted Joker. "This was meant to be an escape attempt!"

"Christ, Mr. J, there are more important things than your stupid schemes!" retorted Harley. "And getting this baby fed is one of 'em!"

"Fine, go, I don't need you, you worthless brat!" snapped Joker, heading for the exit.

"Mr. J, if you don't come with me right now, I'm gonna go get pregnant!" shrieked Harley.

"And how are you gonna do that without me, Harley?" he demanded.

"I could just find another man to father my kid," retorted Harley.

"You do that and I'll drop you like a ton of bricks!" shouted Joker. "I'll also drop a ton of bricks on top of you!"

"Yeah, but you'll have to live forever with the knowledge that another guy filled up your Harley's tank," she said. "Could you do that, puddin'? After you built her and customized her and everything…"

Joker glared at her. "I'll ask Johnny Crane," said Harley. "I'm sure he'll say yes."

"You are not contaminating yourself with nerd genes!" shouted Joker.

"Then you better come with me," she hissed.

They glared at each other while Catherine cried. And then Joker swore loudly and followed Harley towards the cafeteria. She slapped him across the face. "Don't use that kinda language in front of the baby!" she snapped.

"Then don't tempt me to beat you in front of the baby," Joker growled.

Tetch tried to remain calm in the midst of a rising panic, and he latched onto the first thing in his head. "'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves, did gyre and gimble in the wabe," he murmured, following them. "All mimsy were the borogoves, and the mome raths outgrabe..."


	4. Chapter 4

"What are you two doing back here?" asked Poison Ivy as Joker, Harley, and Tetch entered the cafeteria. "I thought you'd be miles away by…"

Catherine wailed and Ivy suddenly noticed her. "What…is…that?" she gasped.

"It's a baby, Red!" exclaimed Harley.

"Well, keep it away from me," snapped Ivy. "I don't do kids."

"No, that's Tetchy!" chuckled Joker.

"Just give her back to me!" hissed Tetch, snatching the baby away from Harley. "You're obviously not any better at this than I am!"

"I know that she needs food!" snapped Harley. "You think you could just let the baby feed from you, Red? You wouldn't have to like it or anything, but Mr. J's right, I don't think mine are big enough to give it a good meal…"

"Um…Harley…I…uh…don't think it…uh…works like that," said Two-Face, slowly. "I think a woman has to be pregnant before she starts…uh…producing milk in her…breasts. That's why they…uh…get bigger then."

"Oh," said Harley, surprised. "They get bigger?" Then she looked at Joker. "How about it, puddin'?" she said, smiling. "For the baby…"

"No," retorted Joker, firmly.

Two-Face came over and held his coin over the baby, who stopped crying and suddenly giggled happily, trying to catch the shiny object. "C'mon, Pammie, you gotta admit, it is pretty cute," said Two-Face, smiling.

Ivy stood next to him, looking down coldly at the baby. "Not really, Harvey," she retorted. "Human children are all ugly. I don't like them."

"Ice bitch," muttered Two-Face. "Oh no, sorry, Victor, not your wife," he said, as Mr. Freeze suddenly looked up angrily from his meal. "I was talking about Pammie."

"No, don't give her the coin!" exclaimed Tetch, snatching it away as Two-Face handed it to Catherine. "She could choke on it! Honestly, it's absolutely terrifying that, out of everyone in here, I'm the one who knows the most about taking care of babies!"

"What's terrifying?" asked Jonathan Crane, entering the cafeteria at that moment. "Jervis, what are you doing here?" he said, surprised at seeing Tetch. "Is your hearing over already?"

"No, there were complications," snapped Tetch. "Involving clowns."

"Hey, we weren't the ones who snatched the baby," said Joker, nodding at Catherine.

"I didn't steal her! I was waiting outside for…"

"Freeze!" shouted a security guard, as a pack of them stormed into the cafeteria with guns drawn.

"What is it?" demanded Mr. Freeze.

"Not…you," said the guard, slowly. "I mean, all of you, don't move! Except you," he said, focusing his gun on Tetch. "Drop the baby."

"Are you insane?" demanded Tetch.

"No, that's you, freak!" retorted the guard. "Now drop the baby!"

"There is no way that I am letting go of Catherine," snapped Tetch. "And there's no way you're going to shoot her, so just put those guns away right now!"

"Don't tell me what to do, freak," growled the guard. "I'm not going to be ordered around by the likes of you, so I warn you, don't call my bluff!"

"You are the insane one if you actually intend to open fire on me while I am holding an innocent child!" shouted Tetch.

"Don't call me crazy, freak!" shouted the guard. "That baby is better off dead than in the hands of some sick, twisted pervert like you! So drop her or I'll shoot!"

Tetch grew absolutely furious, but Catherine's safety was his primary concern, and he was considering how he could possibly shield her with his body, when suddenly Harley leapt forward, kicking the guard in the face, just as Two-Face and Crane rushed two more, seizing their guns and opening fire on the group.

"Good news, J, looks like your escape plan's gonna happen after all," said Two-Face, turning to him. "C'mon, everybody."

"Harvey, if I escape with Catherine, it will be kidnapping!" cried Tetch. "Nobody will ever trust me with her again…"

"Then stay here and get her shot, Jervis!" shouted Two-Face, kicking open the door and rushing out, with Joker, Harley, Ivy, and Freeze rushing after him.

"Jervis, come on," said Crane, seizing his arm.

"I should stay here, Jonathan, I…" began Tetch, but Crane had dragged him out of the room. An alarm suddenly blared through the building.

"Escape attempt in progress. All inmates to be pacified on sight."

"Did you hear that?" demanded Crane. "All inmates. That includes you at the moment. So unless you want Catherine to be hurt when they're aiming for you, you had better escape with the rest of us."

Tetch sighed heavily but raced after him as Catherine began crying loudly again in response to the alarms. They all managed to reach the parking lot.

"We'll need two cars!" shouted Joker. "Harvey, you take one, and I'll take the other!"

"Can the baby ride with us, Mr. J?" asked Harley.

"I don't want the nerds in my car, Harley," retorted Joker.

"Aw, but I wanna hold the baby, Mr. J!" said Harley, stamping her foot.

"We don't have time to argue – just get in a car!" shouted Two-Face.

Harley grabbed Crane and Tetch and pulled them into the backseat with her as Joker hotwired the car and raced out of the parking lot.

"Can I hold the baby, please, Jervis?" asked Harley, smiling at him.

Tetch, who had been clutching Catherine as if for dear life, handed her over to Harley. The motion of the driving had made her stop crying, and she curled up against Harley, shutting her eyes and drifting off to sleep.

"Aw, she's so beautiful," whispered Harley, beaming at her. "Mr. J, can we please have a baby?"

"I said no, you dumb blonde," snapped Joker.

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

Harley sighed heavily. "Johnny, if Mr. J doesn't wanna give me a baby, will you be the father of my children?" she asked, turning to him.

"…what?" stammered Crane.

"I told you, you ain't contaminating yourself with nerd genes!" shouted Joker. "We'll discuss this later, Harl. When I'm not trying to shake the cops."

"I think we lost Harvey," said Crane, looking out of the rear window.

"Well, it was just him and Pammie and Freeze. Who needs 'em?" retorted Joker, shrugging.

"Perhaps…if they've been caught, they can explain the situation," said Tetch, hopefully. "That it was never my intention to kidnap Catherine…"

"And who's gonna believe a buncha crazies, Tetchy?" interrupted Joker. "Nah, I'm afraid you can add kidnapping to your list of offences, along with nerdism, pedophilia, and general creepiness. Ain't that kid lucky to have you for a godfather?" he chuckled.

"No," sighed Tetch, burying his face in his hands. "No, she most certainly is not."


	5. Chapter 5

"There ya go, Jervis, all changed!" exclaimed Harley, beaming as she re-entered the main room of the abandoned joke shop carrying Catherine. "I stole some diapers from the mall down the street, along with a bottle and some milk, and some blankets, and some new clothes, and a couple stuffed animals, and…"

"She still stinks," interrupted Joker. "And she's still loud."

"That's 'cause she's hungry, Mr. J," said Harley. "Here, ya wanna feed her?" she said, dumping the baby into his arms and handing him a bottle full of milk.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" demanded Joker, holding up the bottle.

"Put it in her mouth," retorted Harley.

Joker sighed. "I guess it'll shut her up," he muttered, popping the bottle into Catherine's mouth.

"I can feed her if he doesn't want…" began Tetch, but Harley put a finger to her lips, coming over to join him and Crane in the corner.

"I'm hoping if he bonds with the kid, that might convince him to let us have a baby of our own," she whispered. "See how good a Daddy he is?"

They all looked over at Joker, who was glaring at Catherine. "What are you looking at, kid?" he muttered. "You need to stop staring at me with those bug eyes. I really hope you grow outta this ugliness thing. Nobody likes an ugly dame, do they?"

"See? He'd be an adorable father!" cooed Harley. "He's just gotta give me a baby! What if I just stopped taking the pill and didn't tell Mr. J? I'm sure I'd end up pregnant eventually. Would that be wrong, Johnny?"

"Yes," retorted Crane, firmly. "In so many ways."

"But I really, really wanna make babies with him!" whined Harley. "Now! I can feel my clock ticking, and who knows how much longer Mr. J's clock is gonna work…"

"Harley, please, there are some things we don't want to imagine," interrupted Crane.

"Could I please have Catherine back?" asked Tetch, going over to take the baby from Joker. "I need to figure out what I'm going to do with her."

"Why doncha call her parents and tell 'em you've kidnapped the kid?" chuckled Joker. "Funny gag, actually. And then make 'em an offer they can't refuse."

Tetch looked at him in confusion. "Oh, c'mon, it's Brando!" exclaimed Joker. "You're the godfather! Comedy gold wasted on an uncultured audience, I tell ya!" he sighed, handing the baby back to Tetch.

"How do you feel about kids now, Mr. J?" asked Harley, hopefully.

"The answer's still no, Harley," he retorted.

"Aw, but c'mon, puddin'!" she exclaimed. "You heard Harvey – my boobs will get bigger when I'm pregnant! Wouldn't you be happy about that?"

"I've gotten used to the disappointment," sighed Joker. "You should too, Harley. Because we ain't having kids. Ever."

Tears filled Harley's eyes. "Mr. J, if you won't give me a baby, you don't love me!" she shrieked. "And I don't love you, you mean, selfish, heartless creep!"

She slapped him hard across the face and rushed off, sobbing. "Don't you dare hit me and run off, you little brat!" shouted Joker, racing after her. They heard more screaming and shouting, and then the sound of punching, and soon after, shrieks and moans of pleasure.

"I hope to God one of them turns out to be sterile," murmured Crane. "Because I would pity their child."

Tetch wasn't listening as he soothed Catherine gently to sleep. "I have to take her back," he murmured quietly.

"Take her back?" repeated Crane. "Back to Arkham? Are you insane?"

"No. That's why I have to go back," murmured Tetch. "What else am I to do? Steal Catherine and raise her myself while running from the law? I can't keep the child from her mother, Jonathan. It's not fair to either of them."

"Jervis, if you go back, you will be charged with her kidnapping," murmured Crane. "They will lock you away again, and you will never be released."

Tetch looked at him, and then down at Catherine. "Then I suppose I must spend as much time as possible with her now," he murmured. "Because I will never see her again. But perhaps one day she will vaguely remember me, as if in a dream. Which is how Alice does remember the Mad Hatter, I suppose."

He kissed her forehead tenderly. "My little Alice," he murmured. "It was so very pleasant to meet you. But I should know by now that nothing pleasant ever lasts. All happiness fades away like flowers in the golden afternoon, leaving only darkness, misery, and loneliness behind."

Crane was silent. "I'm going back with you," he murmured at last.

Tetch stared at him. "Why?" he asked. "You're free. You should stay that way for as long as possible."

"I'd just rather go back," said Crane. "I...hadn't planned on escaping anyway and I left some things in my cell."

"What things?" asked Tetch.

"Things I need," replied Crane. "I can always break out again soon, you know. Arkham is hardly Alcatraz, is it?"

"I…suppose not," said Tetch, slowly. "But I still don't understand why…"

"Maybe I'd just like to help my friend, Jervis," interrupted Crane. "And to show I support his decision. It is the right thing to do, but doing right is hardly ever easy. I just thought you'd appreciate some help."

He clapped him on the back. "Now get some rest. We'll head back in the morning."

"I think I would rather stay up with the baby," said Tetch. "Just in case she wakes or cries or needs something."

Crane nodded. "Well, goodnight, Jervis. Goodnight, Catherine," he said, softly. Catherine opened her eyes and beamed at him. He smiled back and left the room.

"Now hush, my angel, and go back to sleep," murmured Tetch, sitting down and holding Catherine tenderly. "You must return to Wonderland now, that beautiful land of dreams."

Catherine continued to gurgle for a bit, and then yawned, curling up against him and shutting her eyes. She kept smiling, as he sang her gently to sleep:

"_Thus grew the tale of Wonderland:  
Thus slowly, one by one,  
Its quaint events were hammered out—  
And now the tale is done,  
And home we steer, a merry crew,  
Beneath the setting sun._

_Alice! A childish story take,_  
_And with a gentle hand,_  
_Lay it where Childhood's dreams are twined_  
_In Memory's mystic band,_  
_Like pilgrim's wither'd wreath of flowers_  
_Pluck'd in far-off land_."


	6. Chapter 6

"Jervis, I think perhaps it would be best if you handcuff me," said Crane, as they stood in front of the gates to Arkham.

Tetch stared at him. "I beg your pardon?" he asked.

"I think it would give a good impression," said Crane. "Just trust me, will you?"

"I haven't any handcuffs…" began Tetch, but Crane produced some.

"I stole them from the clowns, so I'm not entirely sure…where they've been," he said, slowly. "But it's a risk we'll have to take."

"But I don't understand why you…"

"Just trust me, Jervis, please," interrupted Crane. "As my friend, do as I ask."

Tetch managed to handcuff Crane with little difficulty. "Just don't let the Joker know about this," said Crane, grinning. "You know what he'll think."

Tetch smiled back. "Do you wish me to escort you…"

"Yes, drag me inside," said Crane. "I will try to make it look like I am resisting arrest by struggling. And if I say anything, don't contradict me. All right?"

Tetch nodded, looking down tenderly at Catherine. "Yes. Let's go."

The employees of Arkham Asylum had never seen such a sight before, as Jervis Tetch entered the building, holding a baby carefully in one hand and dragging Jonathan Crane after him with the other. Once the initial shock was overcome, Dr. Leland was sent for. She had been talking with Alice and Billy, who were frantic with worry over their child, and they all three raced to the entrance hall, along with most of the rest of the staff.

"I…ah…I've brought Catherine back, Alice," said Tetch, handing the baby over gently.

"Catherine!" shrieked Alice, clutching the baby tightly to her. She squealed in delight at seeing her mother, who kissed her frantically. "Oh, thank God!" she gasped, hugging Billy tightly. "Thank God! Jervis, why did you…what…"

"Don't you dare say a word, Jervis!" shouted Crane. Tetch turned to see his face twisted in fury. "You squeal on me and our friendship is over forever, do you understand?!"

"Jonathan, what…" began Tetch, shocked.

"Take Mr. Tetch back to his cell," interrupted Dr. Leland. "I'd like to speak to Professor Crane in my office."

"I'm not telling you anything!" shouted Crane. "Jervis, don't you dare tell them anything! I'll kill you!"

"Jonathan, I don't understand, what…" stammered Tetch, but he was dragged off before he could speak.

That was last he saw of Crane for a long time. A few weeks later, a guard came to fetch him. Tetch was taken back to the room where he had had the hearing, and the same doctors and guards were there, along with Alice, Billy, and Catherine.

"Mr. Tetch, in light of…recent events, and Professor Crane's testimony, it seems only fair that we resume this hearing with the new facts we have to hand," said the same doctor, standing up. "According to Professor Crane, he planned to kidnap the child Catherine Dodgson in order to test his new strain of fear gas. He assumed you would go along with his plan, but once you discovered that Crane intended to harm the child, you turned on your former friend and secured him in handcuffs, and then brought both him and the child back to Arkham, safe and sound. You saved that child's life, Mr. Tetch, and protected her from a most horrible death at the hands of a deranged lunatic. Is that correct?"

"It's…I…no, it's…" stammered Tetch.

"Thank you so much, Jervis," whispered Alice, tears in her eyes.

"No, no, Jonathan didn't…" began Tetch.

"Professor Crane would not initially admit to his actions," continued the doctor. "He was made to talk after we called Batman in to…discuss the matter with him. He secured a confession from him, which is frankly all the proof I need in order to reach my decision. Unless anyone else would like to add anything?"

There was a murmur of agreement from the group. The doctor stood up. "Thank you, Mr. Tetch. You will be hearing from us shortly."

The guards returned him to his cell, and Tetch looked over at the neighboring one. Crane had only just been returned to his cell after spending a few weeks in the infirmary, and bandages and bruises covered his face and body. He looked up from his book and smiled nevertheless. "How did the hearing go?" he asked.

"Why did you lie to them?" murmured Tetch.

Crane shrugged, and then winced in pain. "I knew I never had a chance of getting out of here. But you did. I had to help you if I could, Jervis. In this way you have proved your innocence, we have parted company as friends, and, if I'm not mistaken, you have a very good chance of being released. It was the only way, really."

"You shouldn't have done this for me," murmured Tetch. "You shouldn't have…" He choked suddenly and began to cry. "Thank you," he whispered. "Thank you, Jonathan."

Crane smiled. "What are friends for?" he asked.


	7. Chapter 7

**Three Years Later**

"…and so it really was a very silly trial, Alice, for you see, everyone knew that the Knave of Hearts had stolen the tarts from the Queen of Hearts. The nursery rhyme said so, so you see there was very little doubt of that fact. And the evidence was all nonsense, and Alice very soon lost her temper, and told them they were nothing more than a pack of cards, and as she had grown to her regular height, she beat them back quite easily…"

"Catherine, bedtime," said Alice Dodgson, entering the room at that moment.

"I'm Alice, Mommy!" exclaimed Catherine Dodgson. "Uncle Jervis calls me Alice, and I want to be just like the girl in his stories!"

"Then you should go to bed this instant, so you can be in Wonderland as quickly as possible," said Jervis Tetch, smiling at her.

Catherine nodded slowly. "Good idea, Uncle Jervis!" she said, leaping onto the bed. Tetch tucked her in gently while Alice came over to kiss her goodnight.

"Sleep tight, sweetheart," she whispered. "I love you."

"I love you too, Mommy," whispered Catherine, kissing her. "Can Uncle Jervis come back over tomorrow and tell me another story?"

"Only if he wants to," said Alice, smiling at him.

"I shall return precisely at six tomorrow, in time for tea," said Tetch, smiling. "And I shan't be late," he said, tapping her nose. She beamed, and hugged him tightly.

"Night, Uncle Jervis," she whispered.

"Goodnight, my angel," he murmured. Alice left the room and he followed her, shutting the door behind him. "Goodnight, little Alice," he whispered.

"Would you like to stay for dinner, Jervis?" asked Alice as they wandered back downstairs.

"Oh, no thank you, my dear, I have business to do tonight," said Tetch, checking his pocket watch. "But I shall return tomorrow, with your permission."

Alice smiled. "Catherine won't let you keep away," she said, hugging him. "Goodnight, Jervis."

"Goodnight, Alice," he whispered.

Tetch left their house and headed for his own home at the opposite end of town. He entered the small, well-furnished apartment, with framed illustrations from Lewis Carroll's works everywhere. He hung up his hat, and then went over to the telephone, dialling a number.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Jonathan? I'm home now, so shall I expect you in about fifteen minutes? I'll make the tea."

"Yes, that sounds delightful," said Crane's voice on the other end. "You will not believe the day I've had. If it's not Batman, it's the Joker, or Harley, or their little brats, and I've had it up to here with all of them. I'll fill you in on the details when I get there, but a cup of tea will be just the thing. I shall see you soon."

"I'm very much looking forward to it," said Tetch, smiling. And he hung up the phone.

**The End**


End file.
